Painfully Bad Movies

[BritishSteel]

Hello,

If you're reading this I'd like you to start thinking of the worst movie you've ever seen.
What would be very cool to see would be a bunch of visceral bile-spitting reviews of some real stinkers in cinema so we can all have a bit of a laugh and perhaps learn something about each other and about the movies we dislike.

Please please please use the carriage return occasionally and build paragraphs so that your review is readable.

As I said, I would like it to be about the real stinkers in movies.
I don't want to see Lord of the Rings in there just because you hate hobbits, or because its "Too long" - That just causes arguments and pointless debates. If you really must make your pick LotR then it better be DAMN FUNNY and original in it's angle.

Up for taking shots at are old classics which gruesomely show their age in 2003 and also movies with impressive casts which are impossibly bad - The "Not even THEY could save this turkey" class of howler.

A bunch of funny reviews of bad movies could be a major attraction to this site and your work might eventually be seen by loads of ppls.

Start Rantin!

Regards,

Charles.

[Johann]

I'll have more time to rant tomorrow, but here's a list of movies that I LOATHE :

Independence Day- David Mamet famously said: "the problem with most actors is they're not very good actors". Will Smith is not a good actor. He's a performer. Has been since he was a rapper in Philly. He is so bad in ID4... The only 2 films where Will showed skill in the acting department was "Six Degrees of Separation" & "ALI". The rest are just Will saying lines and reacting phonily to his co-stars. In ID4 he's not helped much by veterans who know better- Randy Quaid, Jeff Goldblum & Bill Pullman.

The Fast and the Furious- just one of hundreds of posturing macho bullshit movies.
You wanna know what macho is? Al Pacino saying "I'll kill 'em both". That's macho. That's badass. Not some bald needle monkey going vrrrmm vrrmm with his big foot on the gas. There's nothing "cool" about street racing. It's testosterone trash.

Madonna films. Spike Lee was right about Madonna being the champ of marketing. I'll give her huge credit for re-inventing herself brilliantly over a 20+ year career, but stay away from the movie biz Mrs. Ritchie. You're contaminating the pool. (You almost made me believe you could act in "Evita", but I digress)

[BritishSteel]

I have to agree about Madonna's films, and The Fast and the Furious, I always thought that Independance day was just poor but thinking about it, it really is a world class stinker of a movie.

For a start the sickening "America Saved the world!" premise of the whole movie, the special effects budget that ran out after the aliens stopped destroying the planet, the laughable plot and the idea that a computer virus from an apple mac would be work with an unknown computer system used by aliens that werent even humanoids.

The worst movie I've ever seen must be the remake of Rollerball.
I loved the original with James Caan, it was an incredible sci fi movie, it was intelligent and a chilling view of the future.

The remake with Chris Klein, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and LL Cool J is quite simply the most appaulingly sickening piece of crap I've ever had the misfortune of sitting through.

I still can't believe I watched the whole thing, I sat through all of it thinking "This can't be the movie. This cannot be the movie. There must be more to it".

There is one scene that is entirely in night sight green of Klein and LL Cool J driving through the desert at night. There appeared to be no meaning whatsoever to the scene, pretty much like the rest of the film really.

The action scenes were poor, the script was nonsensical, the new plot was laughable. I think they spent the entire budget on those flashy cars that were in the movie.

To me it is really the worst of the worst stinkers in the history of movie making.

Thanks,

Charles

[HorseradishTree]

I'm not going to talk about The Wind Will Carry Us , since I already made a thread on that. Instead, I must resort to the granddaddy of them all:

Killer Clowns from Outer Space !!!!!!11

What were people thinking?! When it aims for horror, it doesn't scare anyone. If you think it might be a comedy, you realize that absolutely nothing is funny! I can't believe I sat through this whole thing. If you rent the DVD, however, there is a wonderful special feature that shows the directors' early childhood films. These are truly top-notch.

Another I must digress is any current (2000-now) Jet Li film. What has this guy done to himself? The One made absolutely no sense, trying to make sense of a "multiverse." And what about Romeo Must Die? First off, the plot is nothing like Romeo and Juliet. Second, there is a romance in almost EVERY SINGLE FILM ever made! So why did they trace the title to Shakespeare? OK, not EVERY single film. *sigh*

I'll come up with more later...

[BritishSteel]

I was killer drunk when I saw Killer Clowns. In that state I really enjoyed Killer Clowns.

I rented RollerBall 2002 a while ago when I had some guys over for some beers and stuff. We got well hammered and were expecting to see naked Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. The best bit of the whole film was too dark too see a damn thing, the rest of it was irritatingly dull. Someone pulled the DVD out and used it as a frisbee across the yard before it had finished, an action which was greeted with approving cheers.

I retrieved the DVD in the morning and tried to watch it again, sober.... Same result.

Ergo I say that Rollerball 2002 is worse than Killer Clowns.

I think the only thing I've ever seen that could top RB2002 is probably "Sense and Sensibility" with Emma Thompson. If that had been a stage play I would be heckling the whole way through.

Lets hear of some tragically bad films and the reason they were bad.

Thanks,

Charles.

[Ilker81x]

"Pumpkin" with Christina Ricci. Bad enough that Francis Ford Coppola hasn't really made a movie worth seeing repeatedly since "Apocalypse Now"...but to think he produced this horrible travesty of a movie. The plot was cliched, the acting was terrible, the comedy was...simply not funny, and I ended up turning it off after the first 30 minutes. Even more appalling was the fact that there was still another 90 minutes to go, that movie was a whole 2 hours? For example, seeing the retarded boy trying to say something, and Christina Ricci's horrible reaction, being so scared to even look at him that the moment the boy said her name she screams in fright? Or how about that her frat boy jock football star boyfriend seemed to be demonstrating the highest level of intelligence and showing the most genuine concern...that's an interesting turnaround, but it was ultimately stupid instead of funny and enlightening. And then the final straw of her taking the boy to the beach, the boyfriend being so disgusted at her attempts to look like she cares about the boy that they accidentally leave the boy there on the beach...and then later she says "I forgor," and just when you think she's going back for him, we find out she forgot an appointment with her school professor...it seemed like it was supposed to be funny, but instead it only invalidated the point the movie seemed like it was trying to make...the fact that it was so sad and ridiculous up to that point made that situation all the more unbearable. And this was just the first 30 minutes...I didn't even want to imagine the rest of the movie. I turned it off and returned it.

Avoid "Pumpkin." It is hoooooooorrible!

[oscar jubis]

Originally posted by BritishSteel "Sense and Sensibility" with Emma Thompson. If that had been a stage play I would be heckling the whole way through.

You'd love to run into BS at your local theatre's production of Emma, wouldn't you?

[cinemabon]

While browsing through the bargin bin at Walmart the other day, praying for a rare B/W film to have accidently been dropped there, I came across a Made-for-TV movie called "V". I was a big fan of Science Fiction years ago, reading all the authors, belonging to the club, went to a few of the Cons, and even met some of the authors.

I bought the damn thing! Oh, my god, it's right up there with the TV adaptation of "Dinotopia" (A brilliant book, by the way, by James Gurney). I put it on and my smile faded quickly. It was so bad, I couldn't bare watching it for longer than just a few seconds for each chapter. I was cringing left and right, until my eight year old son came into the room and said, "Hey, Dad, that looks real cool."

Then a plot began to hatch in my horrible pea-sized brain. I thought, "I can pawn off all the bad DVD's I've ever purchased on my son." So I turned to him. "Here!" I cried, "Take it! It's yours!"

"Really?" came his incredulous reply, as I licked my chops, drooling to get rid of more. One after another I handed over to my son... bad purchases of DVD's I'd been suckered into buying by commercials promising they were the best movie of the year, now out on DVD. He was only too delighted to be getting something for free. Little does the tike know, his brain is slowly being vegetated, by all that Hollywood has to offer... pure schlock!

Then he got wise and pointed at my Criterion Collection. "Over my dead body!" I exclaimed. "I'll will them to you, but that's it!"

My DVD collection has been cleansed. And once more I promised myself to only buy the good stuff... if I can find it!!!

[Johann]

Great story!!

It's not like cinemabon wishes his son ill health- my old man did the same to me with hockey trading cards. Who's Rick Wamsley?

However

I turned to comic books and movies as a hobby- sports don't turn my crank.
Cinemabon- lets hope your son maintains an interest in film instead of say, basket-weaving or knitting.

[HorseradishTree]

Man, I get suckered into these commercial deals too. I'll never forgive myself for getting the Batman Legacy, Clooney and all. Whilst I am proud of most of my DVD collection (it's not hard since I only have 63), I think I regret buying so much of the anime that I did. Of course, I have the essentials: Akira, Ninja Scroll, Mononoke; but sadly my world spun into a disgusting pit of $35 dollar DVDs for 3 episodes of some crappy Japanese TV series. Ugh...and then I have this one friend who, for celebrations in which he has to buy gifts for me, will run to Hastings, our local supercenter, and rummage through the clearance rack. The worst to come from this disaster: the Invaders from Mars remake. I'll never forgive him for that.

[Chris Knipp]

Pumpkin" with Christina Ricci. Bad enough that Francis Ford Coppola hasn't really made a movie worth seeing repeatedly since "Apocalypse Now"...but to think he produced this horrible travesty of a movie. The plot was cliched, the acting was terrible, the comedy was...simply not funny, and I ended up turning it off after the first 30 minutes. Even more appalling was the fact that there was still another 90 minutes to go, that movie was a whole 2 hours?

I disagree, Ilker81x, both with your evaluation and with your basing it on watching a mere fraction of the movie --on video! This is okay to go in your personal video log but not to broadcast as a critical opinion. Pumpkin is an offbeat satire much like About Schmidt and The Good Girl. It deliberately trips up conventional expectations and maybe you just sort of lost your way early on and gave up. Question: is Chuck and Buck a terrible movie? I thought so, but now that I've seen these others I begin to see this is a new generation's outlook. I found Pumpkin very intriguing in the way it oversteps conventional boundaries. Even if it's bad (and I personally tend to think About Schmidt is bad--or at least confusing and mean spirited), Pumpkin is good bad. And it's not mean spirited but kind hearted, and pretty soft and sentimental at the end. I think these new movies like Pumpkin, Chuck and Buck, The Good Girl, and Lovely and Amazing, Secretary too, reflect a new sort of post-Solandz sensibility and I call them "Todd Solandz lite." They deceive conventional expectations and you have to pay close attention -- and watch the whole movie!

One of my first candidates for WORST --which I saw in the theater, by the way, and all the way to the ridiculous end -- would be BATTLESHIP EARTH, an absolutely ludicrous clinker. Travolta would never have gotten it made if it wasn't for his involvement in that Scientology stuff.


http://www.chrisknipp.com

[Johann]

I agree with Chris about this "scientology" movie. (You got the title wrong, but no matter).

I feel bad for Forest Whitaker (an actor I admire) he probably thought "Battlefield" was going to be an "Aliens" type of success. Not so. Forest now has an incredibly embarassing film on his resume. Travolta proved again that he can make really bad movies. Is it your agent, John?

[pmw]

Pumpkin was one of my favorites from last year. I think there are layers of humor that arent in line with certain sensibilities, but, as a parody of "love films" and in the decision to cast Pumpkin as the most balanced of all the characters, the film is ingeniusly amusing. Ive watched it atleast 3 times in the past year, and find more humor on each new viewing, Ricci's "Ode to Pasadena" the consistent standout:

"Pasadena with your warbling birdies and proud papas..."

[Chris Knipp]

Thank you, PMW, for the praise of Pumpkin. I'm not completely crazy, then. Sometimes it's a little bit lonely out there.

Sorry, Johann, about getting the name of Battlefield Earth wrong.

[cinemabon]

I'm curious, Chris. Have you ever walked out on a movie? I did... twice. "Rabbit Test", a long time ago, and "The Exorcist II - The Heretic".

[Chris Knipp]

Well, let's see. We're talking about Painfully Bad Movies. How much pain do you want to endure? I'm pretty patient and I only walk out of really really bad movies, or ones that disintegrate 3/4 of the way through. Recently Pirates of the Caribbean was such a one -- quite fun at first, but descending into tedium towards the end.

Battlefield Earth I saw with an old friend and mentor of mine in Santa Fe. It was a nice outing while I was visiting her. She delights in absurdity and had a wonderful time laughing at the sheer awfulness of it all. I'd never have dreamt of suggesting our walking out. If I'd been alone, I might have bolted. As it is, it was an experience we enjoy remembering.


The possibility of auditorium-surfing in big cineplexes has altered the picture. So many movies, so little time! Now sometimes, alone, or with a friend, I sample several movies, half an hour of each, just to see what stuff people are watching -- or, more often, watch all of one movie and part of another. Cabin Fever--half an hour was more than enough. Cet amour-la--half an hour was just right. Austin Powers Goldmember--fifteen minutes was fine. I sampled Identity that way, dropped in to see about the first 20 minutes -- but then had to come back another day and see the whole thing. IT was fun!

Rental videos (which I don't do so often lately) are less of a commitment in every way, hence the possiblity of impulsively resorting to EJECT or FAST FORWARD. With moviegoing of the theatrical sort, you make quite a different commitment of time and money and you are less willing to trash it, dump your popcorn and forget about your nine dollars.

Of course if you've watching a DVD of a movie you've bought but never previously seen, that's yet another situation, and I dare say you're going to watch all of it and make sure you like it if humanly possible.

www.chrisknipp.com

[BritishSteel]

Originally posted by oscar jubis
Originally posted by BritishSteel "Sense and Sensibility" with Emma Thompson. If that had been a stage play I would be heckling the whole way through.

You'd love to run into BS at your local theatre's production of Emma, wouldn't you?

I'm sorry Jubis, but I was born and bread in Britain.
The Bronte's were crap, almost all literature of that time by female authors is utter rubbish and should be trashed.

All of their stories are about daft one-dimensional characters, men who are wooden creatures, bad guys and romantic prince charming types and all the women are weak lily-livered tarts who spend all their time wearing big hats and talking about who they can and can't marry.

Totally co-dependant, totally dis-empowering to women and giving young women completely false ideas about romance.

I had to study a whole lot in the two years in college I took of classic literature. It was hell.


British Steel

[Ilker81x]

Normally I do watch a movie until the very end, so unfortunately you did catch me at one of the few exceptions where I just couldn't muster the energy to endure anymore. I understand that "Pumpkin" is a satire and that it was probably kind-hearted, but it just couldn't keep my interest beyond those first 30 minutes. While I agree some movies take awhile to get going, and again usually I am willing to sit through it and wait for the real points of the movie to show through, I just couldn't with "Pumpkin." Those first 30 minutes (on widescreen DVD actually, not video) had me feeling ready to wretch. I have no problem with romantic comedies either, just that the majority of them suck, but I can usually watch them.

You are welcome to how you see it, and I applaude you for being able to watch it, and for having an intelligent viewpoint on that movie. I guess it's just one of those rare cases for me where I just couldn't watch it. The first 30 minutes of "Pumpkin" bothered me to such an extent that I couldn't watch the rest. That's just me though. And yes "Battlefield Earth" did suck.

[Chris Knipp]

No problem. One man's meat is another man's poison. Pumpkin skirts the edge between satire and bad movie, as do Mike White's early efforts.

[Johann]

Undercover Brother is a DVD I rented yesterday and I must post to warn members of it's badness.

This is a poor man's Austin Powers, only it spoofs black culture.
I watched this film being shot in vancouver and it looked like it could be good.

It sucks sour frog ass.

The jokes about "The Man" are flat, as are the booty-jive-panther-fried chicken-pick comb references and the "villain" is the biggest insult to my funny bone ever: CHRIS KATTAN. He's not funny to me. Billy Dee William's self-deprecating Malt Liquor spoof is proof that he's either the laziest actor in Hollywood or he likes the oblivion he's resided in since his Lando days.

Horribly bad movie. I only laughed at one joke but it got old after it was used too many times: UB logs on to his e-mail and his computer says "You've got soul!"

[Chris Knipp]

I just had an inspiration: Christopher Atkins in A Night in Heaven (1983). Some people think Blue Lagoon was unusually bad. It's Citizen Kane compared to this embarassing stinker.

The amazing thing is that Chris Atkins has made about 48 movies and TV shows (well, been in them) since Blue Lagoon. More power to him. It's no fun for your career to tank from day one.