dave durbin
02-12-2003, 12:05 PM
1. Swept Away
-Madonna rolled over in bed one morning and purred to Guy Ritchie, "Mama wants to make a movie." And so, the Material Girl's fantasy about being dominated was played out and spewed onto the American public who quickly rejected it. (PS-Note to Madonna: eat something, gain some weight, enjoy your life, you're Madonna for Chrissake!)
2. The Rules of Attraction
-Any movie that opens with a drunk college guy vomiting on the beautiful girl he's raping can only go up from there, right?..........Wrong. (PS-the moral of the story? Don't go to college.)
3. Auto Focus
-Bad film that plays out like a series of sleazy moving flashcards to tell the tragic tale of Bob Crane; it doesn't even have the power of the E! True Hollywood Story on Mr. Crane and it covers the same territory! Paul Schrader is a terrible filmmaker and should never again be allowed money to make a movie! (EVER!)
4. Death to Smoochy
-Abysmal, painfully unfunny satire from Danny DeVito. Ed Norton & Catherine Keener are good actors but neither is exactly known for being a laugh riot and you need a sense of humor to do comedy. Robin Williams's performance will have you scrambling for the 'off' button on your remote control. Just read a book instead.
5. Unfaithful
-Picture it: Gus Van Sant and Adrian Lyne are drunk in a bar discussing Hitchcock and Chabrol and trying to figure out where they went wrong. (PS- yes, Diane Lane and Richard Gere are fine.)
6. Full Frontal
-Steven Soderberg is a terribly dull, overrated filmmaker who has disguised himself for years as an independent hipster but who's really a Hollywood boy that's been waiting to happen. (PS-had I known about this site last year I would have included Ocean's Eleven on my Worst of 2001 list.......so I'll just mention it here.)
7. Murder by Numbers
-Sandra Bullock has charm but lacks the depth and power needed to play an emotionally scarred woman running from the past. Ryan Gosling is the new 'It' boy but how many times can people be impressed by good-looking, slim young men with sex appeal who turn up in bad movies and keep you awake whenever they're on-screen? (PS- that ending! Phew!)
8. Igby Goes Down
-Boring mess that appeals to the younger alternative-wannabe crowd who find it to be 'deep' and that it, says things man! It's dark, dude! It's got ,like, great dialogue that's funny and it's like different from all that Hollywood crap 'cuz it's more real and I can relate to his journey, 'ya know?! F*** 'The Graduate', 'Catcher in the Rye', movies by John Hughes and that Stillman guy, 'The Young Poisoner's Handbook', books by Brett Easton Ellis & Douglas Coupland & David Sedaris! This is IT!!! (PS- yes, Kieran Culkin was fine.)
9. The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
-Who could get past the title? And I would like to take a moment and say that I have an irrational reaction to Ashley Judd: she's a beautiful woman but I cannot stand her as an actor. Charlize Theron yes, Ashley Judd no!
10. Life or Something Like It
Edward Burns is a good-looking young man. Then he opens his mouth. Angelina Jolie is a good-looking young woman. Then she opens her mouth.
Honorable mention: 'Signs' -a laugh riot! And the trailers for 'Shanghai Nights' & the Requiem for a Dream-knockoff 'Spun'. I could not bear the thought of having to sit through Jackass, Crossroads, Mr. Deeds, or Solaris or I'm sure I would have mentioned them here.
-Madonna rolled over in bed one morning and purred to Guy Ritchie, "Mama wants to make a movie." And so, the Material Girl's fantasy about being dominated was played out and spewed onto the American public who quickly rejected it. (PS-Note to Madonna: eat something, gain some weight, enjoy your life, you're Madonna for Chrissake!)
2. The Rules of Attraction
-Any movie that opens with a drunk college guy vomiting on the beautiful girl he's raping can only go up from there, right?..........Wrong. (PS-the moral of the story? Don't go to college.)
3. Auto Focus
-Bad film that plays out like a series of sleazy moving flashcards to tell the tragic tale of Bob Crane; it doesn't even have the power of the E! True Hollywood Story on Mr. Crane and it covers the same territory! Paul Schrader is a terrible filmmaker and should never again be allowed money to make a movie! (EVER!)
4. Death to Smoochy
-Abysmal, painfully unfunny satire from Danny DeVito. Ed Norton & Catherine Keener are good actors but neither is exactly known for being a laugh riot and you need a sense of humor to do comedy. Robin Williams's performance will have you scrambling for the 'off' button on your remote control. Just read a book instead.
5. Unfaithful
-Picture it: Gus Van Sant and Adrian Lyne are drunk in a bar discussing Hitchcock and Chabrol and trying to figure out where they went wrong. (PS- yes, Diane Lane and Richard Gere are fine.)
6. Full Frontal
-Steven Soderberg is a terribly dull, overrated filmmaker who has disguised himself for years as an independent hipster but who's really a Hollywood boy that's been waiting to happen. (PS-had I known about this site last year I would have included Ocean's Eleven on my Worst of 2001 list.......so I'll just mention it here.)
7. Murder by Numbers
-Sandra Bullock has charm but lacks the depth and power needed to play an emotionally scarred woman running from the past. Ryan Gosling is the new 'It' boy but how many times can people be impressed by good-looking, slim young men with sex appeal who turn up in bad movies and keep you awake whenever they're on-screen? (PS- that ending! Phew!)
8. Igby Goes Down
-Boring mess that appeals to the younger alternative-wannabe crowd who find it to be 'deep' and that it, says things man! It's dark, dude! It's got ,like, great dialogue that's funny and it's like different from all that Hollywood crap 'cuz it's more real and I can relate to his journey, 'ya know?! F*** 'The Graduate', 'Catcher in the Rye', movies by John Hughes and that Stillman guy, 'The Young Poisoner's Handbook', books by Brett Easton Ellis & Douglas Coupland & David Sedaris! This is IT!!! (PS- yes, Kieran Culkin was fine.)
9. The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
-Who could get past the title? And I would like to take a moment and say that I have an irrational reaction to Ashley Judd: she's a beautiful woman but I cannot stand her as an actor. Charlize Theron yes, Ashley Judd no!
10. Life or Something Like It
Edward Burns is a good-looking young man. Then he opens his mouth. Angelina Jolie is a good-looking young woman. Then she opens her mouth.
Honorable mention: 'Signs' -a laugh riot! And the trailers for 'Shanghai Nights' & the Requiem for a Dream-knockoff 'Spun'. I could not bear the thought of having to sit through Jackass, Crossroads, Mr. Deeds, or Solaris or I'm sure I would have mentioned them here.