American Idol

[Johann]

Brand-new thread on American Idol, my favorite meaningless show on earth!


In a surprising turn of events, Kris Allen beat Adam (flaming and glammy) Lambert to win the title for this year's American Idol.
It's a completely meaningless show, but I'm addicted to it's offensive elements. I love to hate the shows' guts.

Simon decided to unleash his inner flaming gay man too last night, with his chest-baring gauche shirt showing. I guess he was so excited about Adam winning that he just had to go the full Lambert...I bet he regretted it when Kris was announced winner.

I thought it was a foregone conclusion that Adam was the winner- 4 weeks ago I predicted that. So it is surprising (and nice for Kris) that he was eventually upstaged by the American voters. There was a sharp and stinging backlash for flamboyant and creepy Adam that completely stole his thunder this week. I'm sure he felt confident that he was going to win the competition.

Kara's vomit-inducing praise of Adam (YOU ARE A ROCK GOD!) was probably the saddest thing I've ever seen on TV.
He ain't no fucking rock God.
He ain't even rock.
He's the road show of Rent, an understudy for Eddie Munster sings Elton.

The backlash came from the fans of two other excellent contestants, who both had great shots at winning the whole thing. Danny and Alison's fans just threw their lot in with Kris, because they knew that Adam's fans were whupping them every week. That upped the millions of peeps voting for Kris, which pushed him ahead. (Kinda like how Barack Obama's fundraising pushed him ahead of everybody). Those votes that Adam didn't get did him in.
He had a massive following and they are all over the net today, whining and sobbing about how his well-deserved defeat is unjustified. Why so sad, Lambertians? He'll get a record deal.
You'll be able to buy his CD of screeching soon enough.
Don't worry, there will be lots of room on that shelf next to your Clay Aiken and Billy Ray Cyrus CD's.
Adam's CD is on the way Lambertians!
Don't fret!
Don't get your crumpets in a knot.
He'll be bestowing his Emo-Glam jams on you soon enough.

[Johann]

And since this is a new thread, I have to lay down my thoughts on the 4 judges.

Randy Jackson: Hey dawg! Are you a 16 year-old selling dimes in the hood? Then why do you talk and act like it?
There's no fucking way you've been talking like that all your life Randy. No fucking way. How old are you? 60? And you talk like you been hanging with Biggie and Pac since the beginning?
You produced Mariah Carey.
That's where your credibility lies? You fat corporate cat?
Give me a bleeding break.
You are so overcooked it's beyond sad.
Idol producers! Please!
Shitcan Randy. As soon as humanly possible please!
He says the same old shit week after week after week after week...
He does not earn his gigantor paycheck. He just sits there like a lame-ass tool spouting the same secondhand street lingo he picked up probably by talking to Pissy Diddy or P. Diddler or Puffy cock or whatever his name is at a party in a posh penthouse somewhere. He's about as "street" as Donald Trump or george Bush. For real, yo. Word.
Randy is corporizzle to the maxizzle, you dig me, homeslice?
God Almighty has Randy got to go..

Paula Abdul:
Airhead for all times. Her smirks are sickening, her strange behavior at times makes me think she's an addict of some kind.
But she listens well to the performances and usually gives accurate assessments. But I want her gone too. When the contestants are light years ahead of you in talent and you sit there and judge them in a fashion that glaringly shows your ignorance, I just shake my head.

Kara DioCrappy: Zero talent, zero personality, I want her gone more than Randy and Paula, as useless as they are.
She is just massively annoying to me and I never want to hear from her. I hit the mute button when it's her turn to speak because I just do not give two flying Fudgsicles what she has to say. She's a pop song writing atrocity (and friend of Paula's so we know how she got the well-paying job of critiquing people with infinitely more talent).
You are the weakest link, Kara. Goodbye.

Simon Cowell. Ego the size of ten milky way galaxies.
But I like him and he's been more on the money in assessing contestants and giving the proper critiques than all 3 other judges combined.
He's not even American and he's the best judge on American Idol.

That's the U.S.A. for ya!

[Johann]

I'll bet ten grand that Adam calls his first corporate CD
Axe body wash and Avon: come Emo with me

or

Hair care product manifesto: I live to tease


He was in the cast of "wicked"?
That should disqualify him.
You're already in musical theatre asswipe!
Stay there!
What, you can't hack it there so you thought you'd try your hand at a singing competition? WTF?
Oh, I forgot. American Idol is the biggest magnet for gays who want to flaunt it than any other program ever conceived.
Sorry 'bout that Adam.
My bad.
I forgot about the gigantic gay magnet thing.
But you almost won it!
Kudos to you for turning the judges into salivating sops, who actually looked for new ways to suck your black painted toenails every week.

[Johann]

Paula Abdul is "insulted" that she hasn't had a contract offer from the Idol producers.
Well Paula, I'm insulted that you're even on the show.
I loved how Sacha Baron Cohen punked you in Bruno.
That was awesome.
It showed just how out of it you are.
How on earth does this woman have the clout to judge?
Especially people who have reams of more singing talent?
Her albums are powder-puffs of records.
Turgid. Lame. Unlistenable, even.
And Randy?
He's good through to 2011!!!
Can you believe that noise?
We gotta hear his "Yeah Baby!'s" and "That was Hot!" for another 2 years?!?!?
Kill me now.
And Simon Cowell isn't helping matters by saying he wants Paula on the show.
I got your number, Simon.
You want those two on the show at all costs.
Because they make you look like Einstein.
You can't have any threats to your judging superiority, can you?
Bollocks to you.

[Johann]

Paula has quit American Idol.
Whoopee.

I have two theories on what happened.

1. She wanted way too much money and the producers sent her packing. Go to a Starbucks and drown your sorrows in a latte, Paula!

2. It's all a ruse. She'll be back. This is just to stir up some more interest in American Idol. I wouldn't put it past the whores to try a sneaky publicity campaign: "PAULA QUIT!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
DO SOMETHNG AMERICA!!!NO PAULA means the End of DAYS!!!FOR CERTAIN!!!!"

And it boggles my brain that Kara is back. WTF is up with that?
Paula gone but Kara stays? How the hell does that work?
I can only hope that this is the start of phasing out the judges.
Simon has hinted this might be his last "go around" with this season, Randy's good through 2011, which still blows my mind.
He's the most offensive next to Kara.
For real, Dawg. YAP YAP. YUP YUP.
Kiss my grittles and eat mah sha-nizzles...

[Johann]

Just wanted to say that I have been watching American Idol this season but I never felt the need to post about it.
But I can say that the two new judges are fantastic: Aerosmith's great frontman Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez.

I did not know whether or not they'd be a good fit for American Idol but THEY ARE.
Not only are they a good fit, they make you completely forget that there were other judges before!
AMAZING...(sorry, bad Aerosmith pun...)

I don't miss Simon Cowell. I don't miss Paula Abdul. And I sure as Stanky Shit don't miss that retard Kara Dio-douchebag.

It's painful to keep watching Randy Jackson week after week. As I've said in other posts, that Dawg needs to be put down.
His ego is on full display.
How so?
well, for starters he took the Cowell seat on the show. If that doesn't scream EGO!!!!!! then I don't know what does.
He certainly didn't earn that seat. Cowell wiped the floor with Randy with better critiques. Yeah Randy, I know, you and Simon are "like that" Pals, but who gives a shit? You suck donky dick and always will.
Freedom of Speech is Glorious, isn't it?

I PRAY Randy's contract isn't renewed next year. Pray. Bring in Carrot Top. I don't care.
Sick and Tired of Randy's stale turd-like aura.

J. Lo is intelligent and ENGAGED in the show, engaged in the contestants. And so is Steven. They both bring some much needed smarts and class to the judging panel. Idol producers: Good job with hiring the new judges. I hope both of them stay as long as possible.

[Johann]

Last night's show was good and bad. The opening song sucked so bad I couldn't believe it.

What were the lyrics?
"I'm a Rock Star!" "I got the Rock Moves!" ?!?!?!?
Who wrote that one? kanye west??
God does it blow chunks.
And there was Randy, carping "We miss this group!" Huh? Wha? Dog, get in your doggy house. NOW.
Randizzle! Peep this, Homes:
We don't want to hear from you. Your opinion means zilch. Word.
Keep your mouth on the down-lizzle, you feelin' me, Bra?
LOL

The guy who did the Muse song should win the competition. That was great. I was impressed with him. Wish I could remember his name tho..
Scotty McCreery did a song I liked, but it was karaoke compared to the MUSE song flock of seagulls did. Scotty is done.
Good run for him, much longer than I expected for that twanger. But he's not a SINGER. He's like that dude with the low voice from the Oak Ridge Boys.
Those high notes on that MUSE song should have secured that guy a show win. But teens girls vote the most, so Idol winner is the teen choice.

Nothing else was worth commenting on.
This years' show may have the most talented youngsters ever, but I don't see any "Recording Stars" in this group.

[Johann]

I mention Kanye West, and who shows up on the show the VERY NEXT NIGHT to do a duet with Katy Perry?

Yep, the "Imma let you finish" Man himself!
Needless to say, I hit the remote pretty fast....LOL

[Johann]

James Durbin was the young man's name, and he should win the competition.
And there was Randy, jumping up onstage to announce just as much.
Randizzle!
You didn't have to leave your seat. We would have "Felt You" on that one, Dogg.
We're not oblivious to Mr. Durbin's talents.
Yikes is Randy desperate to be seen as a winner.........

Sorry I don't have anything more worthwhile to say about Idol this season.
The only other thing I'd add is that Ryan Seacrest's ego is unbelievably huge and cringe-inducing.
He's just an awkward host who tries to pass himself off as a charming guy.
He's not.
I see no charm in Seacrest. All I see is a guy who loves being in the spotlight on this show.
He has no charm, no charisma, his banter comes off as ungenuine. That means Epic Fail as a TV host.
He's got the veneer, he's got the varnish. But underneath?
Zip.
Just an untalented (albeit ambitious) Dude trying to make a big buck.

[Johann]

Man, I'm starting to question my own ability to accurately assess shit!

A few posts ago I said that Scotty McCreery was done.
Amazingly, he WON American Idol!
WTF happened?

He doesn't even "sing"!!!!!
He "talks" his songs, just like Willie Nelson!
Proof that my sensibilities are far far different from the rest of the universe, Scotty won.
It's mind-boggling.
But American Idol never produces stars anyway.
So what's the fuss.
LOL

Judas Priest was Awesome. Blew my mind that Halford was on the show.

Lady Goofball was raunchy and corny at the same time.
Full of herself, she "fell" off the edge last night.
That performance was staged garbage.